DC Scene #942: Happy Hour with Boss Ladies
There we were, listening to a Bold Boss Woman talk about her journey. Each of us coveting our own piece of her story.
A fellow sister raised her hand, “How do we invite our men to stand up, to support us as we step into our power?”
She brought her hand down, the ring on her finger flashing. A hush settled over the crowd. I leaned in.
“This is the juice,” I thought. “Yes. How do we stand boldly up AND invite, rather than demand, our men join into the conversation?”
Aside: I am the Queen of the Land of Demand. I own a book called CUNT. I’ve been known to get forceful when I want something. But these last few years, I’ve been called to step into a new way of being. Embracing my feminine, Empress, who understands the art of receiving + allowing. She’s a force to be reckoned with, but she empowers those around her to step into their power, knowing that that skill brings more power. More art than science.
Bold Boss Woman takes the mic. “Well, we don’t need them. They don’t have to support you. You do you.”
Sister, I hope that I feigned a graceful posture and kept my jaw from hitting the floor. However, no one has ever uttered the words “You have an amazing poker face,” to me, so my grace is doubtful.
I remember grabbing the woman’s arm next to me. “OMGOODNESS, I disagree!” I whispered vehemently. But quietly. I think it was quiet. Dire situations do this to me, I forget to be quiet + graceful. I mentioned I own CUNT, yes?
Because WHAT IT FELT LIKE was that my insides turned on fire. My arms wanted to frantically wave above my head “No NO NO NO.” She’s just kidding! KIDDING! WE CAN DO THIS. WE can be strong and BOLD AF women and build incredible relationships with men. And when we have boys, we can teach them that, too.”
Listen, ladies. I think we’re tasked with this. I think the journey of our generation is to understand how to step back into our feminine, really embrace it AND BE ULTRA POWERFUL.
Because I want to create a luscious life I love where I can cackle when the women are around and telling dirty jokes and HOWL when I am SO DARN SAD FOR A REASON I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND. And he can hold me. All of me. And also, I don’t NEED him to fix it because I AM QUEEN and purely capable, but rather I let him, because I’ve asked for what I need and he’s willing and so I receive with GRACE.
Ten years ago, or even five, I did not know this was possible. I had to grow into the woman that could hold space for a man to support me AND I COULD STILL BE QUEEN. And my barriers had to fall apart. And also… I don’t even know if I did or (or am doing) it right.
So let me not pretend that I know. Let me say that this list of books were guides that did two profound things.
- Some of those books healed the wounds of my heart and be open to loving relationships.
- The others gave me tangible tools that I put into practice with the men in my life, STAT.
Without ado, here they are.
The Passion of Mary Magdalen is hands down one of the most healing books I have EVER read. See the picture? It often slept with me in my bed, because I fell asleep reading it. For once, I found a heroine I could relate to, Maeve. This woman whipped up stories, was a healer, was a SOVEREIGN woman AND had a marriage that was fraught with peril. SHE LIVED FULLY + DEEPLY AND WITH RECKLESS ABANDON. Sometimes, we need strong images to help us understand who lives in us and who we are growing into. Maeve is a powerful archetype.
Keys to the Kingdom + Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong. Before these books, I watched as my relationship crumbled because we were speaking two different languages. I did not know a) always what my needs were and b) how to speak to them in a language he understood. These books EXPLAIN how to speak to men in a language that works. I’ve experimented. I’m in shock. Men intuitively use this language but they DON”T KNOW IT. So they can’t tell you this. They just do. And so when you use these words + phrases… holy. Hell. Downside: now you have to deal with your own shit + stepping up into your queen + not your damsel in distress. YAY GROWING!
Getting the Love you Want (Couples) : Will report back. Bought this book. Love the theory. Excited to explore the exercises.
Keeping the Love You Find: (Singles) : THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING BOOK IN FIGURING OUT WHO YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO. This book says that relationships are spiritual practice. That we are all wounded as children, because our parents were human and by default wounded us in some way, even though they didn’t mean to. So that means that you are looking for a partner to heal those wounds. It points to why we’re WILDLY attracted to some people and not to others. The very things that draw us in will hurt us further on, IF we don’t recognize and know that it’s coming. Once you recognize your patterns, you can sit with them.
How to Love Yourself + Sometimes Other People : Yes. It’s true. Being in love with yourself (and life) helps being present in a relationship. This book walks through coming back to being in love with yourself and bringing that power to partnership.
Enchanted Love : Is she in my brain?! This book speaks intimacy and what falls away when we are intimate with another. This book is a place to learn about the divine feminine and sacred masculine. It helps me understand those places within me + honor them in my partner.
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept : This book is an allegory on love that speaks to how love + suffering are intertwined. It doesn’t mean you HAVE to suffer, it’s just that our fairy tale romances are not truth. They are parts of it. Part elation. Science says when you fall in love, you get high. Gross generalizations, but you get it. There is also pain. There are things in you that are called out so that they can heal. There are risks that you are afraid to take that love might be asking you to do. You are going to grow and by definition, growth is uncomfortable. This book helps you feel the elation, the connection, the anguish, and the learning and realize that you are not alone when it is not all unicorns and rainbows.
I want to write a million disclaimers. There are many who know much more about this topic. I love the Gottman Institute and Helen Fisher, Please seek them out + seek out others much more knowledgeable than me.
This list is a reminder to me that Love is a journey. It is not ever over. It is growing. It will make you walk the entire spectrum of emotion. It will break. It will burn. It will birth. It will create. And to engage in Love, is not for the faint of heart. To engage in Love, is to engage with Life.
To be clear, my journey has also included guides at different real-live guides at different points. Therapists. Coaches. Mothers + grandmothers who had done their own deep healing.
So too, were these books. I’m passing them to you. Use them. Squeeze all the juice on them. Remember that these books are not law. They are guides.
And also, remember that you are you. Uniquely + soulfully you. Trust in that. Trust that you are learning all that you need. Rest in the fact that by being, you are love. You are loved. You are worthy of love. You. Are. Love.
Have you read any of these? I’d love to know your thoughts + comments. Reply here or join SoulSpeak for more juicy conversations!
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