Every year, I make up a whole new story about how perfect the holidays will be.
- My friends and I shall put aside an evening for true quality time as we bake cookies to give away as gifts and drink wine.
- I shall fly home to my family who will eagerly await my arrival with lots of energy and a desire to connect.
- I shall soak in every moment of together time, deeply present and listening with curiosity to every old and new story.
My holidays actually look like this (hello, fantasy):
- On friends + cookies: We are too damn tired by the time it’s time to bake to actually connect. Definitely no wine, and we either:
- Shell out $145 on cookie supplies and then spend a hurried 3 hours mixing ingredients, washing dishes, hunkered over phones double checking recipes only to realize we put in baking soda instead of baking powder (damnit). OR.
- We text each other an hour before we’re supposed to meet, “Dog tired, Ima just buy cookies.”
- On traveling to family: I cry while trying to do laundry + pack + figure out new arrangements because Sibling #2’s girlfriend’s family has changed their dinner plans, so they’re leaving early. My family members show up with matching tired eyes, because #holidays, and we get into at least one fight trying to take a suitable family photo.
- I roll my eyes at the 78th rendition of a story I’ve heard since childhood and all I want is to sleep for 12 hours a night. I pray they busy themselves for a few hours in the afternoon so I can sneak away and lock myself in a room with a book.
Using a term coined by Sarin and Manel Baucells in their book Engineering Happiness, they call it “the fundamental question” of wellbeing. Happiness equals reality minus expectations.
Inevitably, holidays mean my expectations ≠ reality.
How the hell do we manage expectations, ESPECIALLY during the holidays?
We remember that some of us are celebrating, some of us our grieving, and we show up, in whatever ways that means for us. And we let it be enough. We trust that “showing up” means different things to our people at different times.
I’ve been trying on radical authenticity and boundaries for the past few years. Not easy. Really helpful.
- ACCEPT THE MESS. Love is messy. Showing up ain’t always pretty and everyone is coming with decades of love and hurt. Everyone gets points for showing up.
- Get all the sleep. 8-10 hours and maybe a nap. Sleep and slowing down.
- Skip the sweets + liquor. These things actually send us into sugar highs + crashes. So if you’re easily susceptible to those kinds of things (this girl raises both hands), going without can make you feel a lot more stable in body and heart.
- Move thy body and breathe. Cold, fresh air reminds us of aliveness.
- Get support. Journal. Read books that nourish the soul. Have a call buddy or a partner to connect with should shit hit the fan.
- Feel the feelz. Personal mantras that help: It’s safe to feel. I’m allowed to have feelings, and not everyone has to like them or agree. On the flip side, they get to have their feelings too and you don’t have to like them. Be prepared to be uncomfortable. Discomfort will not kill us.
- No social media. Comparisonitis of #engagement #perfectfamilies #scarves #travel takes ya down the rabbit hole of #FAILINGATLIFE #FOMO. Nope. You’re living a life, thankyouverymuch.
- Gratitude lists. Train yourself to find evidence of all that is rich and cherished in your life.
- Have convos fast about upsets or irritation. Paradoxically, realize that you might not be able to, because emotions are just too dang high. So put a pin in them to revisit and see Step 5.
- From : We let everybody in the family play their role. We stop trying to change our people long enough to find some beauty in each of their characters.
For today, just show up. Exactly as you are, meeting folks exactly where they are.
Big love to you and yours,
XO
JESS
Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash
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